Talking to your teen ...

So how can we open up the channels of communication?

1."You start ..." You, as the parent, start. You take the initiative. And the earlier, the better. A "sex talk" will be so much more than that if there is an established communication pattern between you and your child that began when they were young. Age-appropriate discussions about healthy relationships, respect for their bodies, and self-control and delayed gratification will set a great foundation. It will also set a standard that will assure your child that they can talk to you about anything.

But let's say that you didn't begin this lovely communication early. So now you feel uncomfortable bringing up something so personal. Or your teenager hasn't said anything to you about this stuff, so you're thinking (hoping) that they're "OK", while nothing may be further from the truth. No matter how foreign it may seem or how uncomfortable you are, you start. Set up a "date" with your teenager. Go out for pizza. Go shopping. Give them a backrub, for Pete's sake, just START.

2."Don't just talk. Don't just 'hear'. Listen." Sometimes we can fool ourselves into thinking we have good communication with our teen, when really all we've been doing is talking at them. And sometimes they are talking and we are hearing, but we aren't really listening. There is a difference, you know. You can hear that music in the elevator, but you're not really listening to it (and thank goodness because it's usually pretty awful). Listening involves commitment and time. Listening is a whole-body experience. Listening doesn't mean you're thinking up good responses the whole time they are talking and you're going to solve all their problems in one conversation. Listening means listening.

Think of it this way: when you're talking to your teen about something important, you want their undivided attention. "While I'm out of town, remember to lock the front door ... feed the dog ... don't tell people that you're home alone ... no parties!" You want them to listen to you, not just hear you. So give them the same courtesy.

If you listen, they may actually talk.

3."Be clear. Be transparent, even ..." There are a million opportunities in a day for 'teachable moments'. Real, hands-on situations where you can teach how to (or how not to) relate, listen, communicate, make decisions. Look for them.

Check out your own communication skills. How do you relate to your spouse? Is it something that you would want your child to imitate?

How are you relating to your teenager? Do you make it a habit of making your expectations clear? If you can expound for fifteen minutes on the fine art of taking out the trash, you can deliver with clarity your expectations for their behavior.

Do you make it a habit of admitting your own mistakes and sharing the consequences of your own decisions? A great way to communicate with your teen is to share your past with them (with wisdom and tailoring your information to their age and personality, of course). Your teenager will benefit greatly by hearing your struggles and being able to relate to you as a person.

Some parents are afraid to share these things with their children. They are worried that if they smoked or had sex too soon or did drugs, that they will appear hypocritical to their teen when they tell them not to. However these fears can be allayed if you make it very clear to your child that you want a better life for them and you are speaking in their best interests.

There is no substitute for having clear, teachable moments with your children throughout their daily lives. So look for them. They are there.

4."Now about that abstinence thing ..." In order to convey your message to your teenager, you need to be very clear on what you believe. There is a lot of information and hype out there about "safe sex". What do you think is safe? You can read up on this at length in "SEX ED 101". To convey your message of safety to your child, know what you believe.

And if you're going to advise your kids to wait, give them some hope about what they're waiting for. The institute of marriage has taken a major hit in the past two decades. Living together is now a completely acceptable practice and 50% of marriages end in divorce. With so few examples of healthy marriage, low standards become a part of your teen's ideology. They can't believe it's worth waiting for. If you have a healthy marriage, discuss with your teen how you worked for it. If you are divorced, talk to them about your own decisions, good or bad, and find some examples of good marriages for them to observe. Set their standards high, and early - their dating experiences as early as high school will give a good indicator of how they view relationships and what they will settle for. Help your teen to define love. Popular culture and the media will tell them that itÕs a feeling. You are the one to tell them that it's not just a feeling, but a way of life requiring patience, sacrifice, respect, trust and endurance.

In the end, you will be a major influence on your child's feelings about abstinence until marriage. Know what you believe, set the bar high and watch them rise to the challenge.

Check out the parent resources for more help.