Dealing With My Past
It wasn't until the Positive Choice training that I realized my need for the Positive Choice Program. I originally approached the situation believing I had so much to offer; unknowingly I was the one that needed to be schooled. Before completing the program, the realities of the consequences of my risky decisions were unrealized. I took pride in my conviction to remain a virgin until I was married. I felt I was too good to settle for anything less. This decision stuck with me throughout high school, which I suppose is not common. In my junior year of high school I met who I thought was the "one" I would marry. Our relationship began with open communication and me being honest about my decision to wait. It was hard for my boyfriend to accept but he reluctantly agreed. In the beginning, the focus was on friendship and having fun with one another. Periodically he would confess how much in love he was and how he felt restricted in that he could not show his love to me in a more physical way. I listened with compassion and confusion, feeling like I could do nothing to help. Although outwardly I maintained my stance, inwardly I started to take responsibility for his anguish and question my decision.
After a year of dating I began to feel the pressure of not pleasing him in ways that other women had and the guilt became unbearable. Deep inside my heart I wanted to please him and show him the extent of my love too. "Having sex with him is the best and only way I can truly prove to him I love him", is what I thought. Thankfully the immaturity of the relationship caused it to fizzle out before the foundation of my decision eroded.
Although I may not have gone "all the way", my emotional immaturity allowed me to succumb to pressure and compromise myself physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I wish I could say that the physical consequences of my risky sexual behavior are what I most dread dealing with now, but they aren't. The emotional guilt associated with betraying one's conscience is long lasting and ever painful. This baggage I brought into my current relationship and am still trying to sort through to this day. I am not trying to discourage anyone from dating or falling in love but I do advise that before you make the decision to have sex of any kind, you educate yourself. Listening to the stories of those who already experienced the heartache of relationships is a great place to start.